


Take it Back

by Sally_the_Sunflower



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Break Up, Cousin Incest, I the author am not having a good time, Multi, Post-Rescue from Thangorodrim, but the word is actually used if that makes a difference, fingon is not having a good time, hurt that can't be comforted, i mean obviously, maedhros is not having a good time, reference to LaCE, vaguely referenced homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27307126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sally_the_Sunflower/pseuds/Sally_the_Sunflower
Summary: Nelyo finally gets a visit from him brave rescuer/former lover, only for it to turn sour once he's told that Finno has moved on.
Relationships: past Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo - Relationship, referenced Fingon | Findekáno/Fingon's Wife
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	Take it Back

**Author's Note:**

> I made myself sad, so now I'm here to make everyone else sad too.

Nelyafinwë felt the strongest he had in a very long time. He was still bed-bound after his rescue from Thangorodrim but, for the last week, he had been strong enough to sit up and receive visitors. He knew it would not be long before he was up and about again. Good, he thought, his recovery to this point had taken long enough already. He was determined not to be kept from his duties much longer. But for right now, he was enjoying the company of his brother Káno. After so long apart it was good to be able to chat again.

While Káno was filling him in on the latest nonsense that Tyelko had come out with at dinner the night before, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" Nelyo called.

Much to his amazement, in stepped his cousin, Findekáno. Nelyo had been told that his cousin had been almost impossible to separate from his side when they had first returned, however, once it seemed that Nelyo was on track to make a full recovery, he had ceased his visits. The two had not had a chance to really talk since...well since before the Burning.

"F-Finno?"

"Hello."

There was a silence. Findekáno showed no signs of coming any further into the room, instead choosing to remain by the door studying his boots. It was then that Nelyo noticed that Káno and their cousin had not greeted each other. In fact, Káno sat stiffly by Nelyo's bedside and appeared to be making a point of not looking in Finno's direction. Nelyo became aware of a tension in the room that he did not quite understand.

"Finno, please, have a seat."

Findekáno eyed the empty chair next to Káno's. Káno sighed and got up.

"I was leaving soon anyway. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Nelyo." Káno gave his brother's shoulder a quick squeeze and made his way out of the room. He made a point of bumping into Findekáno as he left. Findekáno didn't look surprised. What had gotten into these two?

"What was that about?"

"Later," the smile on Findekáno's face looked forced as he took his seat by Nelyo's side, "More importantly, how are you feeling?"

"I'm actually feeling fairly good today. Even better now that you're here." Nelyo gave his cousin a cheeky smile as he added that last bit and reached out his left hand as he did so. Findekáno took it and gave it a little squeeze, though his expression was oddly pained as he did so.

"Finno, has something happened?"

Nelyo was beginning to worry. Finno didn't seem to be able to look him in the face and eventually let go of his hand, sitting further back into his chair.

"I'm sorry, Russo, we can't."

"'We can't'... what?"

Findekáno just shook his head, still not really looking at Nelyo.

"Finno, please, just tell me what it is."

Findekáno took a deep, steadying breath.

"Russo, I need you to understand, I was so angry with you..."

"I knew it!" interrupted Nelyo. He hadn't meant to, but he couldn't stop himself. So this was why Finno had avoided visiting him. He had been afraid of this. Nelyo had crossed on the ships with his father's house and Finno had been left to cross the Grinding Ice with the rest. "I swear to you that I didn't know what my father had planned before we left. When we got to the other side I was eager to return for you," Nelyo laughed humourlessly here, "So eager in fact, that I may have mentioned you by name to my father when asking who we would go back for first. You know how he would have felt about something like that. But we were fleeing, and everything was a mess and I didn't know what might happen next so I really didn't care about trying to hide how I felt. It wasn't important at the time. I swear to you, Finno, I wanted us to be reunited. It was the thing I desired most."

As the words tumbled from Nelyo's mouth a look of almost horror began to creep across Findekáno's face.

"You did what?"

"I asked to go back for you. I tried to stop the Burning. Finno, I thought of you every day I hung off that cliff. Every. Single. Day. I often dreamed that you were there with me. I didn't quite believe it was really you when you came to rescue me."

The words continued to tumble from Nelyo's mouth. He needed Finno to understand that he hadn't abandoned him. How could he? Finno meant everything to him. Nothing in this life had pained him more than their parting. He had feared from that moment how his father's actions might reflect on him, but he had held onto a small hope that Finno couldn't possibly believe him capable of such a betrayal.

Findekáno's face grew paler as Nelyo spoke. He asked Nelyo to stop but the words just kept coming and coming. He needed Finno to understand that he had tried. Finally, Findekáno raised his voice.

"Russo, please!"

Nelyo fell silent, shocked by the change in his cousin's demeaner. He was not normally one for losing his temper so easily. That mysterious tension once again filled the room. To Nelyo the silence seemed to stretch on forever. He knew his reunion with Finno wasn't exactly bound to be the happiest of affairs, but he had hoped for a little more warmth than this at least.

Findekáno took another steadying breath and then finally, for the first time since he had arrived, he looked at Nelyo directly, eye to eye. Nelyo felt his chest constrict. So many questions filled his head but only one word made it to his lips.

"No."

The expression on his cousin's face was wretched as he forced himself to finally say the words he had come to say.

"I'm married."

Nelyo froze. Surely he'd misheard. Or perhaps Finno had misspoken. Married? Finno? To whom? Why would he...? There had to be a mistake here somewhere.

"No."

"Russo...I'm married."

"Why would you...? How could...? What about us?"

Nelyo felt he had just been punched in the gut. In fact, he would have much rathered a punch in the gut to this. Findekáno appeared to consider his words carefully before answering. He looked tired. He sighed deeply.

"I didn't think there was an 'us'. Not then. I tried, I did, I swear to you, to reject the idea that you would just leave us, leave me, like that, but then...but then..." Findekáno paused and closed his eyes for a moment, clearly trying to reign in the temper he was quickly loosing again. When next he spoke, there was a bitterness to his voice that Nelyo could never have imagined he cousin capable of, "Do you know how long we walked across the ice? Do you know how many people we lost? I was so angry, Nelyo. I had seen you and your brothers take your father's oath. I know you followed his orders to attack at Alqualondë and I jumped in to help you, fool that I was. I thought you had abandoned me to follow whatever mad plan your father had come up with next! How was I supposed to know that that was not the case?"

Nelyo had no idea how to respond to that. What could he say? It wasn't his cousin's fault that he had no knowledge of how Nelyo had wanted to immediately journey back to retrieve him or how he had tried to stop his father. Nelyo had known all along that a response like this was a very real possibility, but to actually hear it? Finno might as well have stabbed him in the heart.

The silence stretched on between them. Nelyo's head swam with all that Findekáno had told him. Every single day since their parting Nelyo had thought of his cousin, had longed to return to his embrace. Every. Single. Day. And yet, now that they had been reunited, he learns that he has already moved on. A seed of bitter resentment began to take root in Nelyo's heart.

"So who is it? This new spouse of yours. Do I know them?"

The question was not asked out of polite curiosity. Findekáno seemed to sense this. He tensed a little before answering.

"Do you remember Káno's music teacher's daughter?"

Nelyo did remember her. She had been a childhood friend of theirs. Why did that just make it hurt more? When Nelyo didn't seem inclined to pass any comment, Findekáno continued.

"We got to know each other as we crossed the ice. We became close."

Nelyo snorted at that.

"Close? I can imagine. I suppose you have to stay warm somehow in the ice"

Findekáno's expression hardened at that and his voice when he next spoke was similarly hard.

"Don't speak of her like that. That is not what happened." And in a softer voice he added, "Russo, I love her."

And like that Nelyo's heart broke. He had thought it broken before, when he had seen the truth of Finno's marriage in his eyes, but that had done nothing to prepare him for hearing Finno say those three words about someone else. Those words belonged to _him_.

"I thought you loved me..." Nelyo's voice sounded small, even to himself.

He found himself wishing that this was all some elaborate deceit concocted by Morgoth to torture him further. It wouldn't be the first time. Perhaps none of this was happening. Perhaps he hadn't been rescued and he was actually still hanging from the cliff face. For the first time, that didn't seem like a bad prospect.

"I do. Russo, I do, of course I do, but...well...we both knew a day like this would come. You know we can't..."

"Why not?!" It came out more aggressive sounding than Nelyo had meant it to, but he was hurt.

"You know why!" Findekáno responded in kind.

"Do you honestly think I care? After everything we've been through, do you honestly think it matters how people would look at us or whisper?!"

He really did not give one flying fuck what people thought of him at this point. He had already earned himself the title of Kinslayer, traitor, deserter, 'Fëanorion' was more insult than name these days. How much more damage could a little same-sex incest do to his reputation? Findekáno visibly deflated at the outburst.

"What do you want me to say? I'm already married. 'What if's' don't matter now."

Nelyo felt like he had been slapped. _Don't matter_? How could Finno say something like that?

"We both knew that something like this would happen one day. We could never marry. It would never be allowed."

Nelyo once again lapsed back into an agitated silence. A small voice in the back of his mind reminded him that Finno was right. A marriage between them would never be allowed. The last thing their family needed was another ' _wrong_ ' marriage. Something like this was always going to have to happen. But right now, Nelyo was in no humour to acknowledge this voice. Admitting out loud that Finno was right was the last thing he wanted to do.

"Would you take it back? If you could, would you take it back?" Nelyo couldn't decide if his own words sounded more heartsick or bitter.

"Please don't ask me what I cannot answer."

Another punch to the gut.

"It would seem to me, cousin, that you just did."

Nelyo looked down at where his good hand fidgeted with his blanket. He couldn't bear to look at Finno right now. He feared for what little grip he had left on his control if he looked in his cousin's direction. The initial anger was beginning to fade and, in its place, Nelyo found an almost overwhelming urge to weep and weep and weep. He knew that if he were to give in to the urge he wouldn't stop until he had been drowned in his own tears and devoured by the gaping hole that had been opened in the very core of his being.

"There is one other thing," the words were spoken with the gentle uncertainty that one might use to speak to a frightened animal that one is equally frightened of.

Of course there was. Nelyo turned back towards his cousin, though he couldn't bring himself to look at him directly.

"My wife and I are expecting a child."

Yet another punch. Would Finno ever finish this assault?

"We are planning to announce the pregnancy at a feast next week and well... The healers said that you should be up and about by then and we were hoping that you..."

Nelyo felt like he was going to be sick.

"You were hoping that I would be able to come…?"

"...Yes."

Nelyo closed his eyes tight. This was not happening. Surely, this could not be happening. Finno, his Finno, would surely never waltz in, rip his entire world out from beneath his feet and then have the gall to invite him to a celebration of all that he had lost. Rescue or no, whoever it was that was sitting by his bed-side right now was not his cousin. Whatever had made it across the ice was not Findekáno.

"Get out." The words were quiet, barely audible.

"Russo, please."

"I said get out! Get out! Get out! GET! OUT!"

Nelyo's last little hold was lost. His entire body was wracked by sobs, sobs that felt as if they had been dragged from the very depths of his being, sobs that threatened to choke him. He could barely breath. His heart was racing though he couldn't imagine how something so shattered continued to work. His good hand was knotted into his hair, pulling it tight. Grief consumed him. It grew to be his whole world. Oh, how he wanted this to simply be a cruel trick of the Dark Vala, but when he opened his eyes, he was infuriatingly still in his sick bed not on the cliff face. And there was Findekáno, watching him with such love and concern and heartbreak and it sickened him to think that there was another out there who he might fix with such a look.

"Get out. Just get out," the words were whimpered. There wasn't the air in his lungs to scream anymore.

Nelyo heard the door open.

"I think it would be best if you were to leave."

It was Káno. The shouting must have brought him.

Findekáno looked between his two cousins before deciding that Káno was probably right.

"I am sorry, Nelyo."


End file.
